Tuesday, 26 November 2013

What depression looked like today...

The black creature, looming and ready, came at me just this morning. Now it is nagging and gnawing my insides. It has grown its own arms and legs and is wrestling me endlessly, trying to pin me to the canvas. I try to preoccupy myself. A trip to the bathroom, just to wander around the building... I lock the door to be alone, but I am not alone. I am tottering under the plunging sensation, battling to stand upright as the black one drips silently into my psyche. Trying to remember the rules of engagement, I trot through my mantras-breathe deep; thought challenge; pray. Mindfully walking, I head for the stairs.

Moving on up now, still not out of the darkness, I am aching for exercise to pull the black creature off my back, but I have the rest of the day to negotiate. Class after class. Yet another tedious meeting. Players on a stage and all that...

On the commute home, the black creature accompanies me, adding to the frustration of learner drivers, road-blocks and slow moving queues. I get out of the car, ready to pick a fight with myself.

The cross-trainer and the punch-bag wait for me in the dark, cold garage. Twenty minutes is all it takes, and I have managed to emerge again. Seemingly simple. Good for a couple of hours, but late in the day the black creature tries to re-emerge. All I can mouth are the same words I used this morning: "Father, if it be possible, take this cup from me, but nevertheless let your will be done..."

When the black creature comes on me, like today, it wishes to steal something precious. A part of me that I cannot live without. But I am stronger now. I will defend myself against this invisible onslaught. My grip on hope is vice-like.   


Monday, 25 November 2013

Hope Haiku

Resurrection talk
is mouth-to-mouth for all men,
essence of their ghosts.

copyright tutfoundationusa.org

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Make up a song to warm you up on a cold day...

(Just for a bit of fun I made this up this morning for my kids as they were getting ready for school on a wintry morning. We sung it while marching around the house. To be sung to your choice of tune, but I suggest 4/4 time signature. Start tapping your foot and maybe add some finger clicks or rhythms with your hands and it just might warm you up too!)

invest in a vest
in a warm thermal vest
yes invest
in a vest
when it's cold.

your right foot
in a boot
your left foot
in a boot
put your foot
in a boot
when it's cold.

fingers love
woolly gloves
fingers love
woolly gloves
woolly gloves
when it's cold.

on your head
wear a hat
or at least some kind of cap
on your head
wear a hat
when it's cold
when it's cold
when it's cold....


In this moment I am breathing. Breath rises. Breath falls. This is a gift. From somewhere I have been presented with life. In this moment, I am aware. There is movement all around me, but I am silent. I am still. Cars zip past on the avenue, their engines puncturing the quiet. Inside there is a life, or lives travelling. Hurrying. Trying not to miss something. The thing they seek is here, in my breathing. This gift is all we have.

To stop is not to fail. To rest is not to miss out. To be is sometimes enough.

The old book says, "those who wait on the LORD, will renew their strength" 

Thursday, 7 November 2013


beside yourself
not quite you
out of your mind
under the weather
getting there
the worse for wear

not bad
but then again

need prayer...


White trash-lovers, Freaks for all they’re worth, Anarchy in beady, brazen faces, Seizing stares, Standing ground...