Tuesday, 26 November 2013

What depression looked like today...

The black creature, looming and ready, came at me just this morning. Now it is nagging and gnawing my insides. It has grown its own arms and legs and is wrestling me endlessly, trying to pin me to the canvas. I try to preoccupy myself. A trip to the bathroom, just to wander around the building... I lock the door to be alone, but I am not alone. I am tottering under the plunging sensation, battling to stand upright as the black one drips silently into my psyche. Trying to remember the rules of engagement, I trot through my mantras-breathe deep; thought challenge; pray. Mindfully walking, I head for the stairs.

Moving on up now, still not out of the darkness, I am aching for exercise to pull the black creature off my back, but I have the rest of the day to negotiate. Class after class. Yet another tedious meeting. Players on a stage and all that...

On the commute home, the black creature accompanies me, adding to the frustration of learner drivers, road-blocks and slow moving queues. I get out of the car, ready to pick a fight with myself.

The cross-trainer and the punch-bag wait for me in the dark, cold garage. Twenty minutes is all it takes, and I have managed to emerge again. Seemingly simple. Good for a couple of hours, but late in the day the black creature tries to re-emerge. All I can mouth are the same words I used this morning: "Father, if it be possible, take this cup from me, but nevertheless let your will be done..."

When the black creature comes on me, like today, it wishes to steal something precious. A part of me that I cannot live without. But I am stronger now. I will defend myself against this invisible onslaught. My grip on hope is vice-like.   

 

6 comments:

  1. David, several people in my family suffer with bouts of depression. A few are medicated and seem to do well .. The others deal with it as you seem to .. fighting through, defending as best they can. Your words touched me deeply.

    I had not read Sherry's interview with you earlier this year and took a few minutes to read it. I also had the great pleasure of listening to your music! What a journey I've had this evening.

    "You don't know the endgame, baby .. you don't know the score."
    Take care ...

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    1. Hi Helen, Thanks so much for taking the time to read (and listen). I really appreciate your kind words and for sharing about your family. Take care too, David

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  2. keppthat grip man...you are right in that it is like a shadow that always follows us...even on good days it is right there and you never really know when it might decide to step forward....

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    1. Thank you sir. Your words are always so encouraging and appreciated. Glad to be sharing the cyber-journey with you!

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  3. David, you wrote me here. You don't know how much this resonated with me. Depression is absolutely the black creature haunting many of my days. Hope and light to you friend. May your prayer be answered...

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    1. Hi Jennifer. So sorry to hear of your struggles. May you see better days too. God bless, David

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